May I never be so wounded, pained, hurt, abused or dead inside that I can ever just "get over" and just "forget" people that I truly Loved. May I feel every ache of being apart the first day, week, year and may my grief be completed. For every Love. I fully recognize that not all the Love I extended to others throughout my life was amplified, received, returned to me or echoed in kind. Not every loving relationship I had was loving because we were both participating. I knew this. I knew this at the time. And I knew this after it became too much to carry alone. There are weights we carry attached to the Love vibration we manifested with other humans. Because we are magical, the other person doesn't have to participate as fully and therefore often the magical among us bear the burden of manifesting Love in relationships. This doesn't sustain us long-term. This is how we become drained, sad and even angry. Especially when we are engaged in loving relationships with other magical beings who know they are magical and still refuse to use even a sprinkle in return. I mean, would it have killed them to listen, to care? No, it typically just about them. So we retreat with our magic and we double down on whoever is remains in the dwindling circle. I've recently learned that the opposite of happy is despair. Those who find themselves in the sphere of despair are incapable of happiness on their own. Yet, despair is where they consistently choose to be. Day to day and moment to moment we make choices. How do we reply? What do we say? Should we say anything? Some things are best left unsaid. And some things, absolutely must be faced straight on without argument. Lest we risk not being heard. When I know it's the last thing someone will hear me say, I am certain to make it impactful. I used to send long winded letters explaining my position with all sort of references and feelings. But now I've come to realize that the letters we wrote ten years ago telling someone to buzz off age poorly and don't stick in people's minds like you had wished they had. I have one person I've told to "fuck off" at least 3 separate occasions and there's at least 2 letters on my hard drive telling them the same thing. Some relationships are like the terminator. You can never grieve what wasn't because there's never enough room to breathe. The energies are divided on whether or not we should plead our case. I'm not much of a case pleader. I'm a better gardener. I'm better at turning my back on people and pointing my ass to the sun and poking seeds into warm soil. I'm tired of the debate and the "fight" to even have friends. What the fuck kind of world is this that after you're done being friends with people they send you a Fedex. Half of it "new gifts" and the other half was previous gifts from a loving moment shared together. What the fuck happened to the beautiful moments together? When did we get to the place where we exchanged love, beauty, friendship, time, space, herbs, food and family and then.... in six months to return it all in some vicious gesture. My heart hurts for your pain. I didn't stop loving you. You never loved yourself. You signed yourself up for pain. More pain and then when you started feeling better you sabotaged everything we had and even shared. A thing you asked for.... that I gave to you freely minus guile and payment. No funds were exchanged babe. Just love.
And there you go. Being what? The bigger person who returned everything as well as gifts? That hurts. It hurt not just me, but my husband and my kids. Why would you do something like that. You will say, "I am sick, I have a disease." and I will agree. You are sick. you have a disease. Because people who aren't diseased don't seek to hurt the same people who were on the healing journey together. You laid the founding stones into our healing path. You, and your caregiver. I can see now that the darkness in your soul that allows you to treat me and my family and farm so badly is foreign to me. I thought we were of the same tribe, but I was wrong. How do I know? Because people like me give space when people request it. We give moments to pass. We give hot topics time to cool down. We are slow to anger. And we allow dust to settle before we begin sorting through. It's not easy to be on the flipside of the One sided relationship when suddenly the other side pulls the plug on you. I see how that infuriated your rage monster and you decided that instead of respecting my peace, wishes, will and boundaries that was signal to charge ahead... You went into "bull in China shop" mode to tear down our good work. Not on my watch. I have to remind myself over and over that these people are not my friends. They don't actually have real love for our farm, for us, our animals or what we have to go through when they decide that this is the moment that they are flipping out and it's in our direction they will be flipping. Gotta be square up front fam and say, that's not how we roll. I still hurt. Friend or not, we cared for you even if at the end of the day you were putting on some show for the world, whatever it was. It's sad to see you go down this way. You seemed like a beautiful person. The behind the scenes shit is too brutal for me babe. You're clearly the better person. And you win. Congratulations on your win. Eat. Cake.
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February 2024
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