Back into self surgery I go. For the past three days I’m haunted by a conversation I had with a friend. It’s taken time first to stop being “mad” at her and the things she said. It’s also taken time to examine why I’m still hurt by her words. That means since I am incapable of simply moving forward from where I was, I do actually need to a deep moment to look inside and look back to examine my past and see what’s causing this simple interaction with someone I care for to cause me so much pain. First off, let me qualify by saying I don’t blame the person who speaks revealing words to me. I do in all fullness believe the Creator is using my Sisters to divinely guide me to my truest most inner healing. At times it can appear like the one who said “such n such” was the one causing pain. Which is true on one manner, but not the origin of the pain. Simply the uncoverer of past trauma’s suffered by me in my youth. So we will be excising blame and it won’t be a necessary ingredient in healing. The friend forgiven the day she spoke, doesn’t even know she caused the revelation of deep pain. I’ve no plans to run to her and tell what happened. If she reads it here someday may she know I never stopped caring or blamed, but simply turned inward to discover the root cause. So let’s dig in and discuss this. First, what was spoken? My hair. My hair was the topic. I was asked about my hair after being told how beautiful it was. I’m already aware that my hair was a source of pain for me in my childhood. Having been born without a penis, the hair becomes the greatest asset a female child can have. My mother hated my hair. She didn’t know what to do with it. She hated my hair so much she tried to hurt me by pulling it. Only her ministrations of terror didn’t work on me as I’d been born “tough”. She could pull, tug, yank and jerk my whispy mess all she liked and it just didn’t hurt. It hurt her more to know she’d attempted to harm me in this way. Once mother learned that torturing me with violence towards my head didn’t work, she had it chopped off. Dorothy Hamill was all the rage and her cute pixie cut was what my mother decided I needed. Again, born without a penis, I wore a boy’s hairstyle in 5th grade. Where the pulling didn’t hurt, the boycut did. It dug in so hard that I cannot bear to look at any of my photographs with that cut without crying big, fat, hot tears. It was really a time of deep inner loathing as I was aware I was male with no penis. I could see it now. No penis, no hair, no loving mom and definitely not an interested father. I don’t even remember one time where ribbons were bought. No barrettes, no pretty curls… only blankness and pain over which gender I represented. I knew at age 3 something was missing. And now as a blooming adolescent the pain of gender remained. In highschool I began to regrow and bleach my hair in order to find cohesion with my emerging gender. Or should I say breasts. Bleach blonde, as it turned out, paired really well with a set of knockout tits. I went with it. If I couldn’t be the male I felt inside I would at least solidly represent the female I was clearly presenting on the outside. It wouldn’t be until I saw my first drag Queen that I would find myself on the gender spectrum. You say “Queer” and I say “Queen” either way it’s pretty much identical in my book. I’m fully male on the inside and presenting dope ass Queen on the outside. It is what it is and I am what I am. Fast forward to my lessons. My studies would take me solidly within the metaphysical circles where I would learn about, in particular, the Crown Chakra. I do vibrate purple/violet on the inside. I have seen my inner self align with my outer truth. I have watched the evidence stack of a royal heritage that presents both male and female genders. I have watched as my abilities and strengths emerge in time that indicate that yes, indeed both genders are firmly represented in my human form. One seen and one unseen. Both are clearly visible if One should peer closely enough and listen long enough. Catch the vibration and you will see for yourself this to be truth. So when I learned of the Crown Chakra I began to see the relevance and the gravity of respecting the Crown. Such as, I get very stiff if strangers attempt to touch me on the head. Remember, My own Mother used to try to abuse my head. So strangers being impudent enough to think that the can ever touch my head has an immediate trauma response. This is something I am attempting to rectify in time but it is a bold move of anyone to ever think they can randomly touch the sacred crown of a stranger. It smacks of immaturity and lack of understanding to what the head, Crown represents to the individual. It’s the height of arrogance to think that you know what’s better for another sentient being, than that own being. One is responsible for One’s Sacred Vessel of Light and Love. So why would you think you could touch that? Especially if you’re already dancing in the metaphysical kingdoms of Love and Light? It feels almost the season of admonishment for me. Not for me in particular. While yes I’m feeling admonished (and rightly so, much overdue) I’m also feeling as though my tongue is unleashed to admonish those making rookie mistakes with “loved ones” and allies in the fight. Why would someone be so bold as to believe that they could even touch someone’s head from ten states away. Meaning the One who gave me so much unsolicited and thrust upon advice about my emerging hair lives in Florida. So absurd was the exchange that at some point during the inquest I was told to “wash your hair outside.” I felt, at that moment like I was speaking to a small child. Dear Small Child, (bear with me I have to get this out of my soul) I live in Wisconsin. You live in Florida. Florida is considered warm and sometimes even hot at times by almost anyone on Earth. Think of your coldest day in Florida. Now, make it colder. Colder. Now, turn on the wind. Windier. Good. Now, add snow. More, come one, you’re still not thinking cold enough. Now walk outside and wash your hair. Small child I love you. I really do. But this exchange with you was strange. It tells me how much you don’t know. How stuck you are. How much you are where you are and if your thinking and processing how the world works, you might be stuck there a long time. I think I’ve paid attention to you enough to be able to understand you wish for something different than you have now. Well if this is true, you’re going to have to pull yourself out of your own box long enough to learn that in the state of Wisconsin we don’t ever wash our hair outside on purpose unless something is tragically wrong. One more thing, (you knew this was coming baby) don’t tell people what to do with their head. You concern yourself with your head. Your suggestions while endearing and thought provoking are simply out of their league until your comprehension of the world expands. I’m not sure what your life experience has been that would lead you to believe it’s okay to behave like this. It’s not. Stop telling people what to do. So, now my body thinks you’re a miss bossy pants and wants me to stay away from you. The Creator wants something different. She tells me you’re actually here to hurt me ONE MORE TIME! Like the whole Jesus/Peter/Rooster triangle. The thing is you asked me about my hair first before you told me what to do with it. After you asked me, you rejected my process. You did. Out of hand, without any dialogue as to why my process is what it is. So to your benefit, I abstained from the part you suggested I shouldn’t do… and you know what. For two whole days my hair was a shitstorm mess. Let me repeat so you can hear me better. “After following your advice my hair was a shitstorm mess”Today I rewashed it using my own techniques and yes…. It did turn out beautifully. To me, that’s sabotage. Sabotage is the process where one attempts to undermine another for personal gain. If this is true, then after the third time I’m onto you and get to cut you loose. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you Sister. I’m going to wish you well before it’s over. But when it’s done, it will in fact be done for good. The Creator is specific how this should feel. And you made me feel in a way that’s contrary to the mission at hand. And for me, my Love it’s mission first. I will always love you and send you good vibes. It is good vibes going forward. I guess I just couldn’t reckon I needed to say “good bye” to one more friend. It is though and I’ll see you 30 years forward. Love, Marihemp
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AuthorMarihemp is a Mystic Archives
January 2024
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