It's been time to get real with myself since I said "no" and they ignored me and did whatever they wanted. It was elder abuse. The elders abused were myself and my husband Paul. Who abused me? Hard to say and I won't be saying here. But what I will say, that according to my research and memory of my experience in my own house I am reckoning within and without myself that it was in fact elder abuse. When someone asks to do something and you say "no" and they do it anyway, that's abuse. It's impossible to love your abuser. I know that on some twisted planes of reality there are folks who have themselves convinced that Love is possible in every form and every action. But alas I'm here to pop your pristine bubble of perfectness and tell you "no". No is still the reply that I must give when I say "You didn't love me when you came." When they come and they don't love you, watch out. Watch out in a really big way because there will be posturing. There will be name calling. There will games to which you don't have the rules and will lose every time. My advice is, don't play. I wasn't playing. This was my house. This was my life. This was my marriage to either get right or fuck up trying too hard. What it wasn't was anyone else's "show" that they staged by hauling in so much crap, it's still outside blowing around in the Wisconsin winter winds. It's impressive to see the vastness of what wasn't needed but was brought and now just sits. Things that came from places that they pretended to be a big deal at and then told them things about us and then told us things that they said that they said about us, but you know I don't for one second believe one word they said about those people because all they did was lie about everything. I didn't need lies. I wanted a family. She knew that and for whatever twisted purpose saw to it that I have no family. She wanted to win. She won. She can feel good about herself now! Good. Because as far as I can tell, this wasn't just a trauma thing she pushed on us. This was Her. I met Her. And I am good. She proved to me over the past 30+ years how much she doesn't need me at all to live her life on her terms. So be it. Her life is completely on her terms. I accept them. All of them.
It was still elder abuse. She cannot undo what She did to me and my husband. And lordt knows what She's doing to your brothers. Who is she anyway?
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After the Pilot/Stalker Lady thing and the thing with Ayla that left everyone, including myself fractured... I decided to go back to college and try to figure out what happened. Not just what happened to me, but my role and underlying behaviors that lead to a lot of what we all experienced as a group. Going back to school was my way of owning up to myself and giving myself an explanation for why I behaved the way that i did. I know that i didn't fully own up to my role in what transpired but I know that because I was masking something darker. Something was more sinister that I experienced and I was experiencing fear in resolving the awful things that happened to me. The semester has concluded and I'm allowing myself a moment to recover and think about what I experienced these past few weeks. The thing that stands out the most was one of the other students and their aberrant behavior. I am aware of the social tenseness that is forming from the disenfranchised. However, I'm also seeing an increase in inclusion for the disenfranchised so that they can cease feeling untethered and begin to form new bonds that can carry them forward into a more stable life existence. I'm also seeing a rejection of the bonds attempting to form by students who are not just untethered, but antagonistic, anti almost everything when it comes their turn to talk. There is a frustration for myself in dealing directly with those not committed to studies. They feel/seem/behave in a bent fashion as a form of sabotage and then disbelief. I'll explore further. My classmate was complaining how her group excluded her from the group project because she wasn't present. She explained that she was at work and unable to participate with the group when the group selected to meet. She stated that she completed her portion of the requirement for the group assignment and was disappointed to learn that they had excluded her portion from the overall assignment the group submitted. I was having difficulty seeing how someone expected to be included when there was zero effort made to be present in order to defend their submission. She expected the group to simply include her portion of the assignment remotely, when that was not what was required. The requirement for the group project was for purpose to be present and in person, working together. She did not do that. And couldn't understand why they rejected her portion.
So, now she's quitting. And she used the word "bomb" in class. The instructor, while smiling and pleasant, did tell my classmate not to use that word. Now, WTF!!! Is this some test to see if the teacher will report the bomb comment or I will? And who and how to fuck is this supposed to happen? Yes, she meets all the criteria for someone who is at risk to take action against people she perceives have done her dirty. She has motive, she's stated it outright. The instructor heard her and commented "don't say that, ever." Ever. She fucking said it. I want to begin by prefacing with my understanding of my placement and role in the family dynamic. I didn't have any understanding at all. I was completely bereft of tactile comprehension for who I was, who I would become and who I was treated as, in my own birth family and why this is important right now. I would go on to learn of the importance of birth order. I would learn that first born had rights, responsibilities and roles they play within the family unit. I did not experience any of these, with the exception of "responsibility" but that was the extent of who I was treated as, trained as and included as when I was growing up with my birth family. I also want to state that I did not "grow up" with my birth family but instead experienced the "growing up" portion of my life once I had kids and had left their father for being abusive and non-inclusive. He screamed everything at me. Everything WAS a FIGHT with him always. I didn't want to live like that, so I left with the kids he no longer wanted to raise. Choke on it or don't, I had to sue the man to get him to fund the kids he promised to fund. When our daughter became too combative with me, I ushered all three to their father in Pennsylvania hoping they would be safer there. They weren't and his place was a bigger shit-show than mine was. By the time I retired and returned home, it was obvious I was nobody to everybody and that was the life I was starting over from. The nobodiness of not belonging to the least inclusive and most exclusive group of people I'd ever met. My own kin. The moment I knew came in 2016. It has taken me years to grieve the loss of my birth family and the subsequent expulsion and rejection by the very people who professed, confessed and obsessed that they would love me and stand by through everything. They did not. Had I been a wanted child, a wanted young person and a wanted adult the scene would have looked very different than it did. Instead, It looked like this. Imagine if you would, it's Christmas. Everyone is happy, everyone is getting gifts and everyone shows up. There's conversation, music and food. The mood is so light that the missteps wouldn't be noticed until well after the holidays were packed away and the last bits of tinsel find their way to the trash bin. Imagine that you spent hours crafting a thoughtful gift for everybody, so not one person would be without a gift. You give sauces, family photos and a thoughtful card to each person. Your brother's get a matched set of concert tickets to Journey in April, a show you could easily arrange to attend with your brothers. "Do you get a ticket?" you excitedly wonder. No, sorry. You get a coloring book on how to be more pleasing to God. You feel the slight instantly. You feel how it's the wrong decision to be not included in such an event. You say nothing. You don't want to "spoil" Christmas for everyone with a mood, attitude or low vibes... so you let it drift until you are safely away, elsewhere. But this is the sign, the one that leaves you knowing, you aren't good enough for them. You aren't good enough for Her. Because everyone knows who the real Santa is and who has be pulling Christmas together for decades. Everyone knows who thought out the gifts, thought out the presents and bought, purchased and wrapped it all today. Everyone knows. Especially you, who didn't get a ticket. You would leave the coloring book there. It isn't your style to just accept gifts that aren't really for you. That gift was for her, for her to feel better about Your life. She never felt good about your life? Why? All those failed murder attempts left her mentally ill and here you are sitting at her table, alive as fuck! Ready to jump from an airplane to celebrate your 50th birthday. One she'd hoped she'd never see. Today I'm reminding myself of the murder attempts. The attic prison. The part where they built the prison together, then housed me in it. I'm reminding myself today of the time he picked me up and threw me down the hall, over and over and over again. This would be the moment you would need to become a powerlifter. So nobody could ever lift you and throw you again. Remember the time they were all drunk inside and left you kids alone with the fire AND the gas can? You would be blamed for the fire that day even though you didn't light it and weren't anywhere near it when it exploded, injuring your cousin. Still, you would receive the drunken screaming from an enraged Doug who never took responsibility for the horror that was the shit-show of HIS LIFE! Not yours. You were a kid. Remember? Kids aren't responsible for fires adults start. That fire, was Doug's. That gas can, was Doug's. That explosion was Doug's. Remember. Once, my son said to me "Did you know they investigated Doug after Grandma died because you called the cops on him?" To whit I say, "Son, did you know your Uncle Scott also called the cops on Doug the same day I did?" Yes, world, I wasn't the only adult sibling to call the cops on parents on the same day. So if a charge is to be levied on wellness checks for seniors who fell when their partner left the state and left them unattended. Then YES!!! I am 100% guilty of having the cops called on my parents. Yes, yes, yes! That's standard stuff for this family. When parents try to murder you, build a prison for you and pick you up and throw you around, you better believe we will be hypervigilant to care and wellbeing of those left behind. I abandoned my mother when she needed me most because my father was so abusive, it wasn't my problem. She rejected me. He rejected me. They both tried to murder me. And they both built a prison. I've never gotten an apology and as far as i can tell the younger generation is okie dokie with all of it because they are still coddling that villainous man. I hope he dies cold. I leave Doug to the remainder of his days in peace but I will be anything but silent. If people don't want to know. Look away and better yet, stay away. I am not the person they made me. I'm someone else entirely. If you can't handle the me that I am truly am. Go away. The reason this is so important right now? I am not alone. My experience is typical. Yes. Typical of the North American United States middle aged female account. Talk to any female who was first born with brothers and you will learn that typically the top sibling was displaced by a lower birth order male in some weird male power struggle dynamic within the familial unit. This is typical of North American fathers to displace their eldest child's position if she was female born and raised to be subservient to her male siblings. Typically these males are raised to be dominant and superior to their female siblings. This has a corrosive and toxic effect on the family dynamic and therefore the familial unit is experiencing a significant disruption in cohesiveness and unity. The family unit is missing in it's former form in the USA. It no longer exists and new family units have started to emerge as being dominant over the former system of "blood is thicker than water." That modality is quickly choking itself out of existence by the expulsion of the strong females from the family unit. They will continue to decline until that modality dies out with that generation who encapsulated that belief system. As a side note. I think it's disgusting that my parents tried to kill me at all. I think it's gross that I was forced to endure the years with them that I did endure. I don't think I would choose that family willingly ever again. I'm not convinced that the life path is one of choice at all. The more I'm here, the longer it appears that "free will" is a fallacy. I am simply present. I am present in this life. My life and my life path has been anything but perfect or easy. If anything it's been painful and arduous. For whatever purpose that translates to beauty. It never misses me how utterly beautiful this life has been. I've been grateful for the company along the way. Thank you for not going away.
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AuthorMarihemp is a Mystic Archives
January 2024
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