Everybody deserves a good dayI love how a snow day can fix whatever is wrong with the Earth. Something about all of us huddled together against nature's frozen fury to reconnect us and spark... well all kinds of things! For me, this time it sparked a bit of baking to enjoy some warm goodness during the storm. I also love good snow day memories. Yesterday was a really good day to remember one of the best of times. My entire existence with my birth family was not clown shoes. For the most part it was ordinary and there weren't a lot of overt clues at first that my future would be different than it was back then. Jessie had her shining moments for certain. There was the year that she was doing well financially and chose to spend on her kids' Christmas and not herself. That was the year of the perpetual presents. The presents started early in December and would continue until almost the New Year. I recall all of them marked "From Santa" but by the time I was 11, the Secret of who was actually Santa at home was in full reveal. Mom never took an ounce or a lick of credit. I just remember the steady barrage of gifts. Maybe I didn't understand them then like I do now. Maybe I even seem unimpressed or even over the receiving of gifts by the time the last ones were opened. Did my cavalier attitude hurt my Mother who had worked so hard and taken so much time to shop, wrap and scheme to give? I truly hope not. Because I never forgot what she did and how she did it. I never forgot the love I felt that year as gift after gift was laid before me. If I didn't express adequate gratitude then, I choose to do so daily, now. Thank you Jessie for your many gifts. I receive them with gratefulness and love. Another beautiful winter memory is the time she surprised us on a snow day with an ice skating pond. She had hand hauled water and poured a pond all by hand. She had it smooth and it was snow-covered ready for the big reveal on our first day home from school due to snow. And what a surprise it was! We never would have guessed she would have thought to do something like this, aside from actually pulling it off! She pulled it off and in true genius fashion, she spent a quiet snow day inside while we skated until our cheeks were red and noses ran. I'm going to try to think of better times and days as much as I am capable. There isn't a ton of superb memories to override my main experience. But there are some gleaming times that I can glean if I lean into it. I'm appreciative of her efforts at all. I'm not sure what her motives were ever, but at least I had chances to heal some of the nonsense before leaving for good and into adulthood. I am no longer holding harms or blames at all. Now I search for healing in the mundane and celebrate the small wins.
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And why we don't do "that"I did not infant bond with my birth mother, Jessie. Instead, she was institutionalized for the first six weeks of my life. I was handed over to my maternal grandparents with whom I infant bonded. Once Jessie was home, I was removed from my grandparents and given over to Jessie to begin my torture. I wasn't born with developmental delays, but because I was given over to someone who was mentally ill and probably shouldn't have been around children at all, I do have developmental delays. In some areas I excelled because Jessie put her focus on things like spelling, reading and sitting pretty and looking nice. She emphasized, as I got older, that my face was going to be an area that she would target. My face was her target. She chose ad hominem as her tool. I won nothing with her ever. She won every round she played with me because she never stuck to the issues and refused resolution opting instead to verbally attack. I do not ad hominem. I also do not fux with anyone who ad hominems their issues. There is no reason to assault a loved one's character or person or being simply to win an argument. I am also opposed to anyone whom I witness practicing ad hominem instead of working to resolve issues. Folks who fux with ad hominem types are stuck in decaying cycles of abuse that are refusing to prosper or benefit this style of debate. It's woeful to be on the receiving end of an ad hominem. One of the other things my parents did was choose my first husband over me after we divorced. They chose their son-in-law over their own daughter. He, too, was an ad hominem freak. Anytime I tried to address our issues, he would go on the attack and become verbally vicious. He was combative always and saw himself as the "ultimate victor". And good for him. Good for them. Now, the ad hominem people that used to be in my life have formed themselves a little ole ad hominem club of folks who lost me forever because they couldn't stop attacking me, my character and my face. My face is not a subject for you ever. My face is mine. It's my persona. It's part of my assigned person that I'm growing into. It's not available for speculation, comment, conjecture or even accusation. My face is off the subject list forever. It's not your face. You're welcome to discuss your own face all you like, but mine isn't available. Ever.
As far using my face in your ad hominem. Don't. It's playing dirty and I won't abide to your filthy habits. Don't make it a habit. Don't do it at all. If it's not your face, so shut up about it entirely if you're not exercising total kindness. "This part is for me and me alone"At some point in everybody's lives there comes a moment where the world absolutely has to fuck all the way off and get right with itself. This is that moment. The moment of lists, lies and betrayal has me deep in my closet of Self asking me what my role was and where did I go wrong? We're flatly at a "cart before the horse" and "chicken or egg" scenario of "we didn't start the fire" yeah but maybe we need to think about putting that cart back where it's most useful, let the chicken have her egg and put out some of these damn fires. Enough is fucking enough already. Y'all prove the intelligence of a fruit fly and this time it was over a pink cup. WTAFF!? I digress. I'm here to tell all the shadows that want torment me daily with what happened with my daughter is... I love her. If that's what the shadow needs to hear, then let it be heard. I never stopped loving. Perhaps, dearest shadow that's what I should have done or what others did or what was expected of me. Did the "shadow" win? No, because I'm not at war with the shadow talkers, walkers and whisperers. I'm simply not taking their shit anymore than I'm taking the aggressive bullshit that happened between my daughter and myself. I refuckingfuse to have an aggressive relationship with anyone. Any one. Any. One. Noone will be entertained for any time, season or purpose if the conclusion is to be violent. Violence, knows no bounds. When my daughter spoke of guns, I was so uncomfortable because guns don't belong in the hands of the mentally ill. If you're an out of control rage monster, which is the person she showed me she was, she had no right to hold a firearm ever. And I'm not even saying that as a Mom, but as a qualified firearms expert, trained in the proper use, cleaning and storage of firearms. None. I still loved her even when she scared me and made me afraid of her. Was I afraid of her the whole time she was here? No, not every moment. There were delicate, intimate moments of realness, truth and healing. However these moments were eclipsed by the rage monster she chose to unleash on me, Paul, Max, the cats, the birds and this property. It still resonates with me how she left. Do I still love her even after she attacked us, called the police and tried to have me arrested? I do. I love her because my love is not conditional. The shadow thinks my love should be conditional. However, that is illogical as actions and reactions can often have underlying physical consequences that manifest outward during extreme duress. Was my daughter under the worst duress of her life? I would say so. Do I believe she was responsible for 100% of the experiences she was having on the daily? No. I say the Earth was in revolt and she was reacting, overreacting and not responding gracefully to her changing circumstances. However, I also do not believe that becoming abusive, violent and angry towards helpful family was in anybody's best interest. We all claim we want to do what was in the best interest of the children. However, in the scenario I was forced to live out with my daughter, she did not live as though she believed she was doing what was in the best interest of her son. No. She was living to her own best interest. She proved this by immediately seeking out fresh dick and making weekend plans with a young father caring for her infant children. She was livid that he had the nerve to spend all his time with his children. She didn't understand why he didn't dote on her, take her to dinner or spend any time with her. She was enraged that he would be so dismissive of her after their encounter. I felt bad that he had to meet her and deal with her for a weekend when clearly he was trying to do what was best for his children. The shadow wants to shame me for not wanting her here. The shadow wants me to feel badly that I cast a "move forward" spell on their belongings that began to pile high in the upstairs common area. I refuse to give in to shame, fear and uncertainty over my own choices and actions. I was asked flat out if they could move onto our property and we replied "no" and they came anyway. They came anyway after I said "no". Ignored I would be under my own roof, so I took to climbing ladders and painting walls to busy myself. I busied myself with Batman videos, painting walls and spending time with my grandson. Only to have our bills driven up, promises of payments that would never come and the rage monster who was lurking always. The rage monster got worse with alcohol. We're a mostly dry house so when the rage monster took over and started drinking all our expensive alcohol, I hid it in my bedroom. Only to be angrily confronted that I hid my liquor. Yes, ma'am, when the rage monster takes over and starts drinking all the liquor, the standard next move is to move the liquor and dear shadow I have no qualms hiding things from those who take without asking or payment. The question isn't "did I love them?" Because clearly opening our home, our refrigerator, our wallets and our stashes to those who needed shelter wasn't something we were going to get incorrectly. What was incorrect was the abuse we suffered as a result of allowing them in. What was incorrect was the financial games they played with us. What was incorrect was the part where it was expected I would cook, yet nobody would eat. If I didn't cook, the rage monster would show up. I would cook and all the food would be ignored. It was the weirdest set of rando expectations I had forced on me. The daily game of "should I cook?" and "will they eat?" Which was always "Yes" and "No". Exhausting it truly was. The mind games would take almost a year to unpuzzle and set comprehensible in my own brain. I take comfort in knowing that food was always here, ready and available. So the picky, bougie upper snotty folks who glommed onto our enterprise didn't like home cooked, farm prepared fresh food. They needed their ultra super epic processed white whiteness to reflect onto because there certainly wasn't a healthy quality to their incessant demands. Exhausting they were on all fronts. We're still cleaning up their messI believe part of her strategy in moving so swiftly and suddenly with no notice gives her the advantage of never having to clean up after herself. If, and hear me out, if she always, always, always leaves in a screaming rage monster fashion, inflicting as much emotional harm as she can on her way out, who will want her back so she can deal with the mess that is truly hers? She thinks of herself very highly that she's "tidy", "clean" and "well organized". Yet when she left the mess she abandoned was incredible. I'm not yet caught up and haven't still been able to connect with any cleaning services locally to get the mess she abandoned restored. How convenient it is to never have to clean, maintain or restore a building, property, room or house. How convenient it is to move into pristine locations and just tear out of there like bandit when you've overstayed your welcome, not paid your bills or bonded with the other inhabitants. Infuckingcredible to be THIS OLD and still behaving in this fashion. I realize we're all a little damaged and in need of TLC, Love and compassion but at some point the light has got to go on that this isn't the way. We don't just abandon ship and leave it to others. We don't. Because with that kind of game, she can expect to have others turn tail and use this same tactic back on her. We are what we do. We do reap the consequences of our choices. I believe I have satisfied the shadows incessant demands for balance. I don't hate anybody. But we've presently reached the stage where I am not over extending myself beyond myself. This is pretty much it until I am back in the field working again. Even then, my personal life isn't going to be a debate on how much i loved them. i did love. Too much. And it cost everybody. So, now everybody can feel safe now that I'm sticking to myself. The shadow can fuck off and keep it's memories of feeling inferior and the horror of being attacked at my front door and three days of police at my house. Nobody needed 3 days of police at their house. Nobody. Do I love her? Always. She has work to do though before we'll resume anything. And we're gonna talk about what happened or we're not going to talk. That's as simple as that. I love myself more. I have to. It's what's best for all.
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AuthorMarihemp is a Mystic Archives
January 2024
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