It wasn't the pilot's fault but it was a can of worms she opened up. Why her? Because she was a pilot. The one thing that connected me to the horror of long ago. She was the one who held the mantle of abuse but this time held it in front of people who matter to me. She represented all those hours spent under the "care" of the Air Force when it was anything but care. It was rape. It was sexual assault. Every time there was a problem we were sent to the clinic where we raised our skirts and were fondled by airmen, officers and anybody who damn felt like it. All the time. The fondlings started immediately upon entering the Air Force. The fondling continued to Guam, then to the Philippines and back to Guam one more time. Too fat? Go lift your skirt down at the medical bay and let someone fondle you and then you're suddenly thin enough to serve your country one more day. Balk at lifting your skirt and there will be punishments. There will be many punishments. They will have smiles on their faces when they punish you because they can't seem to get enough of looking up your skirt. Montana you will get clever and you won't be fondled as much or as often. By now you've learned their tricks to inebriate you, fill you full of booze, all on their dime of course and in the morning you're sent over to weigh and lift your skirt one more time. You're saavvyy too these ploys and you've stopped playing their games and started dedicating yourself to duty. Your nose is down, grinding away, no problemo and then.... My boss was fornicating with another servicemember under her powerAnd that's how I left the Air Force. They tried to say I had stolen money from the Air Force and committed fraud. But really, I had a husband who was awarded, rewarded, promoted and I was demoted, framed and set up. Then they tried to bar me from base.... after I scored 98% proficiency on my promotion exams. So when the pilot came, I felt raped once more. Did she rape me? In a way, she really has. She's robbed me of my creative joy. She's made me question myself as a person, a baker and an artist. I felt I had chosen the correct path but truly only time will tell. I do not trust the Air Force nor do I trust the District Attourney and her cohorts to have my best interests at heart at all. They want to vilify me, turn me into a baddie and give me extra shit to talk about in therapy. Look, If I am forced to discuss the district attourney's at all, I mean, at all.. Honey we are talking about your fashion choices, I'm trimming your claws and sharpening mine. SSssssss all this.... On ice
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The Great Physician & Personal HealerHi, I'm back again. It's me, the me who approached this staircase last time. The Creator is once again taking me through the process of healing what formerly happened to me. I've come to a great number of realizations about the complexity of life on earth in relation to my own personal experiences. And I've learned some stuff not just about Earth, but about myself as well. I also learned that not everyone I'm related to by blood will love me, treasure me or even want to be in the same building as me. If you are stuck in a building with someone who doesn't love you, treasure you or want what's best for you... Leave, and if you can't leave, fight for what's yours. Don't let others latch on and abuse you simply because they are close enough. I wanted to go through the medical community and therapy but once again I hit brick wall after brick wall and am mortally aware I'm safer healing in my own company. And that includes the Creator. The ability to transcend these spaces and to ascend to the Creator's healing spaces to allow the process to advance. I feel safer in this realm that I do the therapists' office. There are simply too many boxes that need checked in a clinical setting that my care gets sidelines by check marks. I've come to learn some truths about the relationships that I once held so dear. Please bear with me while I make a cursory list, that we may or may not explore more in further blogs. Truth 1 - Not everyone present in the building has the care, concern, love or understanding for those present. Truth 2 - Those who lack care will go to any means, lengths and actions possible to get what they feel is owed to them. Truth 3 - They are no above lying to law enforcement and will use law enforcement as an aggressive extension of themselves. It's a way to instantly punish those who are non compliant. Truth 4 - They were always leaving. Always. They were always going to leave how they left. This is how they do it. You didn't make anyone leave. You never said words or had actions that said "leave". You were actively trying to "work things out" with someone who leaves every relationship they leave explosively. Truth 5 - This was their plan the whole time. They were always headed somewhere else and they had their plan in place long before arriving at your door. I was never part of the plan, I was simply a tool to allow people to stay in place and work their plan. Truth 6 - They were never going to pay. She never pays. She pretends to pay, she almost pays, she promises to pay. But payment is, was and always will be lacking. People don't change all that much from who they were as kids. She's herself. Truth 7 - The verbal games were played because she felt bad about herself. She had low self image. The world is based on making girls have low self image. You didn't create the world, she is beautiful and she misuses her beauty to manipulate others. she's all about the manipulation. It's all manipulation. She doesn't know how not to manipulate. It's what she does. Truth 8 -She takes credit for things she was never asked to do or tasked with. She creates dramatic situations so she can be the hero and save the situation. She can't even save herself from herself. What makes her think she can save you? Don't let her try. You're doing fine saving yourself from yourself every day. You've learned to save others from yourself. Now I'm saving her from myself. Clearly being in the same room with me isn't healthy for her, so we will stop doing anything that exacerbates her illness. She never saved you from anyone but herself. She's out of the room now, don't invite her back in. Truth 9 - She will try to come back. She always does. She will use guilt. Don't accept guilt. You have no guilt this time. You're on the healing path and have surrendered guilt and have taken up acceptance over the situation. You are moving on. You're healing all this and we're not going down this road again. Once and done. No more visits, no more screaming, no more games and no more cops. No more. No. Final Truth - My grandson is not his mother. His memories of us are his. We have a good relationship. It's intact. I do not accept aggression transference. He does not get to carry his mother's anger, agenda or patterns of behavior. She holds her own. He holds his. He does NOT get to carry his mother. I release myself from the need to make contact. I release myself from having to feel like I need to chase therapy. I am therapizing with the Great Healer. It's working. I am more functional than before. And the realization that I can do this is comforting. It's helping me feel like I can release the need to please unseen forces. If I had one thing to say it is, "You must respect the grieving and the healing process. If someone in your midst is hurt on the inside or grieving a significant loss, there must be a wider berth of respect, love and acceptance. Creating safe spaces, listening without judgement and avoiding preaching, coaching or directing the healing. Healing happens, there is no need for a director. But there might be use for sympathetic ears, hearts and minds. Your mouth is less necessary than you realize. Learn to hear and listen with your heart."
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AuthorMarihemp is a Mystic Archives
January 2024
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